


Last Pack

by Keena_Cage



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Dark Thoughts, Depression, I wanted to cry writing it, M/M, not going to end how you think it will
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-03-08 14:59:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3213377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keena_Cage/pseuds/Keena_Cage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You're judging me?” Liam's still smiling though, that smile that he... He thinks that he knows that Zayn is thinking, he thinks that Zayn likes it when he acts silly, not caring what he looks like. But it's not that at all, if anything it's all starting to get under Zayn's skin.</p>
<p>Or<br/>Liam Loves Zayn. Zayn's a good actor but not good enough sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last Pack

**Author's Note:**

> Was writing with this gif set then the rest just... came with it. Got a bit twisted but yeah.
> 
> http://zapbat.tumblr.com/post/97688198716/x-youre-judging-me-lets-all-take-a-moment

 

The rush from the crowd, that was the best thing about this job. It wasn't about the money or the fame, hell even having the other boys around could drive him crazy to the point that he would just put on some headphones and disappear for a few hours. But this, being on stage infront of thousands of screaming fans, it's the reason he does get out of bed in the morning. There's nothing else that could ever compete with it.

 

It was sad to think about when he looked across the stage, with Liam looking at him right after hitting he last note just right, he things that's the look, that looks is all that should matter in his life. But it's not and he's dreading the day that he tells Liam, knows that look is going to kill him. It's selfish really, leading him on, letting him think that there is going to be a future together, what are they going to do? Adopt a couple kids? Sit on the front porch of a nice country side home and drink tea all day? It's not how Zayn seen his life, not that he's looks very far into the future, he loved in the moment, but if he ever did what to think about his future there would be no relaxing tea drinking happening.

 

Living in the moment is what started this little... Thing. Zayn had no idea what he would call it. It wasn't like they sat down and decided to become boyfriends, that's something you have to talk about right? Is it what Liam thinks that they are? It's not like they go out with other people, not really. He supposes that Liam might think that, more so now then ever, watching Liam skip his marker on the stage to come over to Zayn and do a little dance before stopping up when Zayn didn't smile at him. It was starting to get noticeable, he thinks, that Liam is starting to see that his mate is just not as into any of it anymore.

 

When Liam reaches up to strike Zayn's jaw, he doesn’t pull away, knows that he still needs Liam. Need's to have him in bed with him at night, needs to know that when everything starts weighing down on him that Liam knows what to do to make him forget about it. Like that little think he does with his tongue.

 

“You're judging me?” Liam's still smiling though, that smile that he... He thinks that he knows that Zayn is thinking, he thinks that Zayn likes it when he acts silly, not caring what he looks like. But it's not that at all, if anything it's all starting to get under Zayn's skin. Liam's ability to not care what anyone thinks, Zayn's assumes it's from caring too much for too long, but he doesn’t know and he doesn’t think that he really wants to know ether. Keeping eye contact and taking a drink from his water bottle as Liam finally goes to his proper mark, still grinning.

 

It takes Zayn half the next song to get back his momentum that he lost when Liam butted in... No it's not far for him to think of it like that. If he's going to keep Liam in his bed without telling him that he had no interest in a future with him, then he's going to have to play with Liam better on stage at least. It's not the least he could do but it's the least he's going to do, maybe a good blowjob in the van back to the hotel, if they can get one without the others.

 

 ***

 

Zayn.... Zayn.

 

Liam know that there was something wrong with him but he wouldn't ask, he can't ask. He worried that Zayn is starting to get depressed. It's kind of hard for him to think about it when he feels such a rush from life but everyone is diffrent right, everyone has their own way of seeing the world and sometimes they don't always see the good in it. It's partly why Liam has made it his mission to keep Zayn happy, keep him smiling and try to keep him from going to a dark place that he knows Zayn can get to. He's seen it before, when he would watch Zayn spray paint the walls in their dressing rooms. Always the spray paint, the dark colours and the way that they blend together that makes the hair on the back of Liams neck stand on end. The way that as soon as Zayn knows he's being watched, he'll reach for the lighter colours and start to cover everything up with something that he thinks everyone will like.

 

It's a little scary, a lot actually. Liam loves Zayn, it's a bit odd to think that he does since when they started hooking up Liam had decided that there was not going to be any feelings in it. But when Zayn comes to him with that void look in his eyes, when his small boyfriend would curl around him and not say anything. Liam was the only one of the boy's that have seen Zayn like that, he assumes anyway, when Zayn goes off on his own the others just say that he needs some of his alone time. There's always a thought in the back of his head that it might be the last time he sees him alive.

 

He hates that the others can't see it, or wont see it. What if Liam is home and Zayn needs someone and they boys think he just needs time and that time leads too... Liam runs over to Zayn on stage, he has to be near him in the moment, doesn’t want to think of a world where he can't just reach out and touch him. Zayn's giving him a look like he just wants to be left alone but it's a little different then the one that makes Liam worry, this one makes Zayn's eyes look like fire and as long as there is fire then there is life.

 

He knows that after a show that Zayn is always a little sexually frustrated but he never thought that Zayn pulling him into a van and closing the door on the others, would mean that the minute they started moving, that Zayn was going to be kneeling on the floor of the van with his mouth around Liam's cock. Not that he minded, Zayn's mouth was sinful to be kind and Liam's got his fingers in Zayn's hair and all other thoughts are gone.

 

 ***

 

Zayn knows what he's doing.

 

When they all get off stage he can see a look in Liam's eyes, he's seen it before, it's the kind of look that means he wants to ask something that he's not sure he wants to know the answer too. So when Liam and himself made it to the van's infront of the other boys, he tells Niall to fuck off to the other can with Louis and Harry. Niall pouts but shrugs off to the other van.

 

When the get settled in the back, Liam's arm around his shoulders and the van finally starts moving, Zayn slips down to the floor next to Liam's legs and starts fighting with his pants. He knows that Liam's like to take over and 'help' Zayn when he starts having problems getting thing off and just like he knew he would, Liam still's his hands and open's his jeans for him.

 

This is a way to make sure that Liam's not going to ask questions. Zayn thinks that it should feel dirty, blowing his bandmate in the back of one of their vans but he doesn’t feel anything and he knows that he should be worried about it but just can't seem to being himself to care as he opens his throat and lets Liam hum up into his mouth.

 

 ***

 

He's late.

 

He know that he's late, but he doesn’t look at his watch because he doesn't care about what time it is. All that he needs to know is that he's late and their was nothing he could do about it.

 

It's not like he could have set an alarm on his phone, like he does to make the training sessions in the mornings. It's not like a reminder in his phone would have helped, like he used for impotent meetings with management or interviews. There was no way the he was going to be able to prepare for this, nothing to read up on to give him an idea about what was going to happen.

 

When Liam walked into the hotel he knew, felt it in his bones, he was late.

 

Dropping his bags at the desk, grabbing his room key, knew it was the same key. Skipped the elevator in favour of running up the stairs, it was only six floors. His hands were shaking when he tried to swipe the key card, took him four times before he finally got it and swung the door open.

 

The hotel room was the same as any other, one big bed, because management knew about him and Zayn. A window, a dresser and closet, a door to the adjacent room that he knew was going to be one of the security guys. But Liam's eyes and ears turned to the bathroom, the door was closed but he could hear the shower running. It was like the water was turning his blood cold, jumping to the door and shoved it open, making it bang off the wall. He's thought that it was going to be locked, Zayn always locked the bathroom door.

 

There was blood, Liam had tears in his eyes as he yelled out to someone, hoped that someone heard him as he moved into the bathroom, turning off the water. The fabric shower curtain was covering Zayn and Liam had expected Zayn to be looking back at him with dead eyes when he pulled it back.

 

There was someone there when he reached his hand out, felt the hand on his shoulder as he pulled back the white fabric and seen Zayn laying in the tube, eyes closed. He was being pulled back and away from his boyfriend, someone was yelling and Zayn was sleeping. They shouldn't be yelling, Zayn was just sleeping right? His eyes were closed and not dead.

 

Please God not dead.

 

***

 

A man in a white coat was standing infront of them, something about good and bad news and all Liam wanted to hear was that Zayn was alive, that it the only good news that can come from this.

 

“Doc if you say anything about donating organs, I'll be making sure you're testicles get sent to the cancer ward.” Liam wanted Louis to shut up, he needed to hear was the man was saying.

 

“He is alive, but I'm afraid that you'll still be visiting the cancer ward.” There was a silence and everything went blank, black.

 

***

 

When Zayn woke up he knew that he was in a hospital. With the beeping machine beside him to the white washed walls, to the hand that was holding his. He knew it was going to be Liam without even looking at him but when Zayn turned his head, it was Harry with his hand in his, Harry that was staring at Zayn's hand like he was going to pull away and run.

 

It took a few minutes for everything to come back and half a second less then that for his head to start throbbing. He was getting things ready for a shower and he'd felt dizzy. He must have passed out and hit his head, it's the only reason why he would be here now. Zayn sighed and turned his head away from Harry and looked to the other side of the room, had been looking for a window but his eyes widened when he seen Liam laying in the bed next to him.

 

“He fainted when the doc told us Zee... Why didn't you just tell us?” Zayn looked back over to Harry and his green eyes were wide and confused and he was definitely going to cry. But Zayn couldn't talk, his throat hurt and his head hurt and everything hurt. He just took a shaky breath and laid his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes.

 

This was not happening.

 

 

***

 

When he woke up it was like it had all been a bad dream. There was a body tucked around him and the bed was a bit stiff but what can you expect from some hotels.

 

“Zee, what time is it? We have an interview.” But when he turned his head the body pressed to him tensed and... It didn't smell like Zayn. It was Louis, when Liam opened his eyes he was frowning, Louis had tears in his eyes and Liam was suddenly wide awake, sitting up and looked around till he seen Zayn laying in the hospital bed next to the one he was in. There was an oxygen mask covering his perfect lips and his skin looked pale from here.

 

“He was awake for a minute but passed back out, the doc's put the mask on him then. They don't sounds hopeful.” Harry was looking at Zayn's hand, was sliding his finger over the dove on the too light skin on Zayn's hand.

 

“We called his mom, management set her up and she's on the way here now. Wont be here for a couple hours but she didn't sound surprised to hear.” Niall was sitting up on the window ledge, he was looking out the window. Liam wished he's been in Niall's spot instead, being about to look out of this room and maybe not think about the fact that he almost lost the love if his life.

 

“I'm guessing that you didn't know that.” Louis sounded like it was something that's been talked about, he felt angry but at the same time. How would he have told them, even if he had known. Liam just shakes his head lays on his side, not facing Louis, watching Zayn sleep. That's what he was doing know, Liam know for sure, he was just sleeping.

 

No one talked, there was nothing that they could say. Non of them were in the mood for banter and really, the only think that any of then could think about was Zayn and what was going to happen now. There was a shrill sound in the door and Harry scrapping back his chair and running to the door, yelling for someone. They were all being forced to leave and when Liam looked back there was someone doing CPR, someone standing with paddles,

 

“Clear!”

 

***

 

They all had their questions when Zayn's mom finally showed up. She was scared, Liam could tell, but he didn't move to hug her or even try to make conversation with her until after she talked to a doctor and they were all able to go back into Zayn's room. He was still alive but instead of a mask, they had a breathing tube down his throat. She was crying when she walked in and they all walked out to give her some time.

 

 ***

 

He hated waking up, he really did, but this was the worst. There was something in his mouth, could feel it against his tongue and knew that it was a breathing tube. Knew that it wasn't good that his mother was here crying, it wasn't the first time she'd seen him in the hospital but it was starting to feel like it might be the last. She called for a doctor when she seen that Zayn was awake.

 

It took some time, but they got the tube out and Zayn had to use an oxygen mask, but soon his mom was there and the boys were back.

 

“Why didn't you tell them Zayn? I thought that you had.” She looked sad and a little disappointed but he didn't think that she really thought that he was going to tell them. He'd never told anyone before, everyone found out the same way.

 

Zayn just looked away and didn’t look at any of the boys.

 

“The doc said that it came back and we didn't know what he meant. He had to explain it all to us Zee. Except Liam, he's fainted.” It was Louis' way of lightning to mood and it made Zayn smile a little. Thinking about his Liam all big and stron-

 

And His Liam.

 

Zayn looked over the boys until he found Liam, he wasn't even looking at Zayn and it took his breath away, not that it was very hard at this point. It hurt that Liam wasn't looking at him. It would be at the end that Zayn realized he's been lying to himself for too long. He thinks that it would make a good book, that it is the most twisted of endings. But Zayn lifted his hand and felt his eyes water.

 

“Li-” And Liam jumped at him, grabbing Zayn's hand and pressed his head next to Zayn's on the hospital pillow. Zayn frowned when he couldn't smell Liam because of the mask. Liam was shaking though and Zayn knew he was crying.

 

“Still don't get it.” He whispered into Zayn's ear. All Zayn wanted to do was make him stop crying, not only was the shaking hurting his check, Liam was a gross sobbing kind of a crier not pretty.

 

Zayn knew that he wouldn't be able to talk, knew that it would take too much out of him, he was lucky to catch his breath after just saying 'Li'. Zayn looked at his mom, because she knew why he didn't tell them and he knew that should would be able to tell them what they needed to hear too.

 

“He didn't want you to treat him any different.” That was all she said and Harry shock his head. “Harry sweety, he's missing half a lug. You would have.”

 

“I never would have made him kick about with me.” Louis, always Louis to say it.

 

“He was lucky the first time, never should have been smoking.” She was glaring at him, straight at Zayn and he knew she was mad because he might have just cut his life in half and if he's told the boys then they would have made sure he's properly quit. “But we knew it wasn't going to be a happy ending ether.” She looked up at the light and he knew she was trying not to cry again. “He didn't want you guys to treat his any other way then normal so that you'd all have normal memory’s with him.”

 

His mother was amazing with words.

 

“I thought he was just getting depressed. Sleeping too much and not wanting to do things.” Liam's voice was shaking too but he finally moved away from Zayn, sat in a chair next to the bed.

 

***

 

It was hours later, everyone had cried, but slowly they left to go back to the hotel. It was just Zayn, his mom and Liam. Patty was in the hall but he refused to leave they to the hospital security. Zayn's mom was sleeping on the bed that Liam had woken up on earlier and Liam was pressed to Zayn's side on the little hospital bed.

 

“I love you, you know.” Was all he said, his voice hushed and, to Zayn, sounded like it hurt to talk. All he could do was nod.

 

“I wish you would have said something. I could have taken care of you.” Zayn makes a frustrated annoyed sound and Liam just snickers at him. “Yeah, I heard your mum, but I would have still loved you, still would have pushed you and still would have fucked you... Let you fuck me too.” Zayn wonders for a minute what it would have been like if Liam had known, if he'd been strong enough to tell him.

 

Maybe Liam wouldn't have spent all day crying, maybe Liam wouldn't have let himself fall in love with Zayn. Maybe Zayn wouldn't be hurting Liam so much now if he had hurt him sooner. Guess it's passed now.

 

“I'm not leaving you. Not until you leave this hospital and I'm going to flush all your fucking smokes.” There's no real fire in Liam's voice and Zayn knew if he could see his eyes then they'd be burning with the promise. But if he could see Liam's eyes then that would mean that Liam would be able to see his, would be able to see how red they were, would be able to see the tears sticking to his eyelashes.

 

***

 

The next afternoon Liam does leave the hospital but not with Zayn.

 

The next week, Liam puts a smoke behind Zayn's cold ear because that's what he would want.

 

The next month, Liam still haven’t thrown away Zayn's last pack of smokes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Not much to really say here, if you like it let me know. If the grammar is really back that's all on me, I couldn't bring myself to read over it yet.
> 
> KC xx


End file.
